Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred
to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she
would have thought less of the person if a close biological link
did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry
if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically
grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people
who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages
between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union
boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for
women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed
until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since
he's an oppressor, and should learn that it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending
a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical
women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick
and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't
actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although
that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior
to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea
of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous
place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear
based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that
regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence
believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants,
Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized
peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid
lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper,
and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked
her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,
but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality,
and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She replied, "I am taking my
Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little
girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in
the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you
to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid world view.
Now, if you'll execuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded toward
her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside of society had freed him from
slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative
of his nature as predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put
on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled
under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I
have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role
as wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career,
but I didn't give in to such societal
pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and,
in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed
milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood,
and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother
cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely
"You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his
grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding
Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence
in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower
achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered
species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the
woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made
a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The
brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a
"No, I'm the real victim here cried the woodchopper. I've
been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected
flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do
you have any aspirin?"
"Sure", said the wolf.
"Thanks." said the woodchopper.
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf.