Little Red Riding Hood

 There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered  owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for  cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a  close biological link did not in fact exist.

 Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry
if this was the impression conveyed.

 One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically  grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized  people who have struggled for years to earn the right to  carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the  union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible  for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally  oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn that it's like to be oppressed?"

And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was  attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides,  this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's  sick and hence unable to independently further her own  selfhood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother  wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these  conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea  of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set  off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an  irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a  patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an  exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.  Other people avoided the  woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood  felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a  woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine  some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who  asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own  budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf. She  replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in  a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little  girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in  the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of  which has  caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid  world view.  Now, if you'll execuse me, I would prefer to be on  my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded  toward her Grandmother's house.

 But because his status outside of society had freed him from  slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf  knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as predator.

Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled
under the  bedclothes, and awaited developments.
 Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I  have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in  your role as wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see  you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness!  Grandma, what big eyes you  have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting  career, but I didn't give in to such societal
pressures, my  child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and,  in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed
milieu, he  leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened  his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother  cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?"  Red Riding Hood bravely  shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding in a new  level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened  his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage,  brandishing an axe.

 "Hands off!"  cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?"  cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to  poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college  entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister!  Get your hands off that endangered  species!  This is an FBI sting!"  screamed the
woodchopper,  and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden  motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.  "The  brat and her grandmother lured me in here.  I thought I was a  goner."

"No, I'm the real victim here cried the woodchopper.  I've  been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those  protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a  trauma.  Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure", said the wolf.
 "Thanks." said the woodchopper.
 "I feel your pain," said the Wolf.